At the risk of insulting a few people, receiving harassing emails from others, and getting flamed and threatened on social media by my followers and haters alike, I’ve decided to move forward with this week’s blog, and explain as to what I feel makes someone a Gym Douchebag.
Before I begin, I would like to state that I’m not looking to stir up some type of drama nor am I trying to create any controversy. I’m simply trying to take an annoying, irritating and frustrating first world problem that I deal with on a regular basis, and expose the culprits who turn my place of therapeutic release into a place of negativity and despair.
So without further adieu, let’s dissect and discuss the different types of Gym Douche Bags and hopefully resolve a few issues where both Fitness Enthusiasts who practice proper gym etiquette and Gym Douche Bags who practice perfecting their selfie face, can coexist peacefully with one another within our iron jungle.
1) The Messy Douchebag
The Messy Douchebag is a creature that exists in most gyms and fitness facilities across the globe. This type of organism can usually be found close to a stack of uncleared weights on a machine, bench press and/or squat rack. The Messy Douchebag is known to leave a trail of multiple dumbbells and barbells behind scattered on the floor after use for someone else to clean up and take care of. Despite the numerous signs posted throughout the gym asking gym patrons to please return their weights and clear their machines after use, The Messy Douchebag refuses to do so. What may appear by the average gym goer as a sign of dominance and supremacy, is actually a sign of ignorance, laziness and a lack of common sense.
How to Dissolve This Type of Douchebag – The Messy Douchebag is not always easy to catch in the act. If you do catch a Messy Douchebag not clearing his or her weights after use, simply tell them to do so. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them to do this, then report this Douchebag to a Gym Staff Member. Yes, that’s right. I want you to rat out this individual. People like this need to be held responsible for their actions immediately so that they are no longer a disturbance on the gym floor.
2) The Creepy Douchebag
Not to sound sexist, but most Creepy Douchebags are of the male population. Yes, there are a few Creepy Female Douchebags located in the odd corner of the gym taking a photo of their gym crush without their crush’s knowledge, however for the most part, these creeps are primarily men. The Creepy Douchebag typically becomes infatuated (either sexually or annoyingly) with a particular gym patron. This type of Douchebag is known to follow their subject throughout the gym and stare at them aimlessly from a distance or even nearby. Some Creepy Douchebags are known to be socially awkward, and therefore refrain from any real conversation or dialect with anyone at the gym. Then there are the other Creepy Douchebags who do nothing but try and strike up a conversation with anyone that gets caught in their endless and mindless dribble.
How to Dissolve This Type of Douchebag – Regardless of which type of Creepy Douchebag you have encountered, you must be cautious as to how you approach the situation. These creepy crawlers are usually oblivious to the fact that they are being creepy and/or annoying. If you are currently dealing with a Creepy Douchebag my recommendation is to wear headphones at all times and try your best to ignore this person. If your Douchebag continues to insist on trying to strike up a conversation with you, then casually bring up your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband and/or wife in the conversation. Note – You don’t have to actually have a significant other to bring them up in the conversation. If the Creepy Douchebag thinks you’re already in a relationship, then chances are that they will generally lose interest and go creep somewhere else.
3) The Unhygienic Douchebag
Finally, we come to our third and final Douchebag of this week’s blog. The Unhygienic Douchebag can usually be smelled before they can be seen. These varmints typically refrain from using deodorant and/or washing their workout clothes after use. Rarely if ever will you see the Unhygienic Douchebag use a towel or wipe their sweat off from a piece of gym equipment after they have used it. I myself have never quite been able to understand as to how this Douchebag cannot smell the stenches that he or she are emitting from their bodies into the atmosphere. The only conclusion that I can make is that this individual has become so embodied in their own toxic redolence, that they have become immune to their own pungent smell.
How to Dissolve This Douchebag – Unfortunately this is a very uncomfortable situation for most people to discuss with another person. First, there is the fear of unpleasantness for the messenger and second there is the possibility of embarrassment for the Unhygienic Douchebag. My recommendation would be to stay far away from this Douchebag or if you know the person then simply ask them if they can smell body odour or dirty laundry in the area of which you both are training. Chances are that if you can smell it, then they can smell it. And I can guarantee you that if you both can smell it, then others can too. So do everyone a favour (including the Unhygienic Douchebag) and help put a stop to this stench. The person will most likely get the message and hopefully become more cautious with their own hygiene before they step foot in the gym again.
Douchebag Debauchery
Even though I myself have been known to do a few Douchebag things in my day, I’ve always tried my absolute best to be kind, courteous and respectful to others around me. I refrain from making fun of people doing exercises incorrectly. I rarely if ever get upset if someone is taking longer than usual on a piece of exercise equipment. And I never judge, shame or look down upon anyone who is overweight or has a physical limitation that is trying their absolute best to exercise and be healthy.
The world is full of Douchebags and the gym is no different. And although we can’t always change how people act towards us and others, we can control how we ourselves conduct our own actions as human beings. So clean up after yourself. Don’t be creepy. Take a shower at least once a day and wash your clothes. I might get called a Douchebag for a lot of things, but messy, creepy and smelly will never be one of them.
Yours in Good Health,
Nick Cosgrove
Forever Fit Performance