I’ve never been very good at expressing my emotions. I’ve always believed that showcasing any sort of vulnerability immediately puts me into a compromised position. As I’ve become older though, I’ve become more comfortable with my weaknesses being exposed rather than being hidden. I’m also more aware that the only way to combat these areas in which I struggle with emotionally, is to address them directly, openly and honestly.

When I was in my twenties I used to believe that being sad or upset was a sign of weakness and therefore I rarely if ever expressed these emotions to anyone around me. Instead, I would use anger and arrogance as my body armour to shield myself from appearing weak or frail to others. What I didn’t realize at the time though was that I was actually pushing those that were closest to me even further away.

Fast forward to my mid-thirties and I still continue to struggle with my words when it comes to expressing love, compassion and empathy towards others. Luckily for me, my actions usually speak louder than my words towards those that are in my inner circle and understand that I’m somewhat emotionally disconnected. Therefore my friends and family members don’t take too much offence when I come off as distant or cold at times.

The Death Of a Friendship

When I first arrived in Vancouver, I knew no one. I was also somewhat shy at the time so it was difficult for me to make friends. Being a typical teenager I was also quite rebellious and didn’t fit in very well with the academic crowd in my high-school. I also wasn’t the most athletic person so the jocks didn’t take too warmly to me either.

I guess you could say that because of my somewhat awkward and rebellious attitude, I eventually fell in with the “wrong crowd”. However over time, this so-called “wrong crowd” became like a family to me. We would do everything together. From skipping school, to getting suspended from school, to even getting expelled from school for some of us. This band of misfits that had accepted me into their pack had made me feel like one of their own from day one.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) depending on how I look at the situation, I am no longer in touch with my original group of friends from my past. Out of the six of us, four have passed away, one is currently incarcerated, and the other one sits here today writing this blog.

Not Letting Your Past Consume You

I don’t like to talk much about my past. Not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed for the life that I once lived, but more because it’s painful to bring up some of the memories that I have (both good and bad).

With that said, I do feel it’s necessary to confront our demons regardless of how difficult and challenging it might be. In my case, I understand the reason I struggle with my relationships today is partly due to my upbringing and acknowledge that this is something I must continue to work on as an adult. I also accept the fact that it’s okay to have insecurities but that I cannot allow these insecurities to control and/or consume me.

I work with new clients all the time who reach out to me primarily because they themselves suffer from their own sense of insecurities that continue to haunt them from their past. Whether they are ashamed of their physiques because they were teased and picked on when they were younger, or they struggle with emotional eating disorders because they have been told by the mass media (aka social media) that they should look a certain way, like me, these clients are now willing to face their demons and insecurities head on, and it’s fucking scary!

Staying Strong

I’ve said time and time again over the past year how COVID-19 has separated the leaders from the followers and the weak from the strong. While many people rebelled against science and blamed the government for their current situation, many others took this time to reinvent both themselves, their relationships, their careers, and their businesses. If there was ever a time to move forward and leave the past IN THE PAST, now would without a doubt be that time.

The World is changing. And whether we like it or not, we will all have to adapt accordingly. This Global Pandemic has taught me that life truly is short and that how important it is to take action and make opportunities present themselves, rather than hoping/waiting that they will just appear.

I no longer have the time or desire to care what people think of me and I encourage you to do the same.

Don’t dwell on your past.

Don’t focus on your faults.

And don’t allow your insecurities to stop you from achieving both happiness and your goals.

“Don’t judge me by my past. I don’t live there anymore.”
– Zig Ziglar

Yours in Good Health,

Nick Cosgrove
Forever Fit Performance