Dear Ewan,

It’s been 10 years since you left us. I always imagined that by now I would have been at peace with your death. However even after a decade I still struggle with the thought of knowing that you are no longer part of my life.

You were without a doubt the best friend that a person like me could ever have.

You were also the first friend that I made when I moved to Vancouver.

You lied for me on multiply occasions when I was faced with expulsion from high school.

You protected me when I ran my mouth and got into fights where I was obviously in far over my head.

You showed up and supported me the week of my trial when so many others in our inner circle turned their backs and looked the other way.

I took our friendship for granted all too often and for that I apologize sincerly.

And even though I’m still mad at you for leaving me, I’m forever grateful to you for coming into my life. I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back now, if it wasn’t for you, I would not be where I am today…….

The REAL Story As To How I Became a Personal Trainer

Someone asked me the other day why I decided to become a Personal Trainer. And for the first time in my life, rather than going with my typical bullshit story as to how I had a passion for fitness and how much I wanted to help people become active and fit, I just openly and honestly said – “It was either that or jail”.

I don’t really know what came over me. Perhaps it was maturity, or perhaps it was living through this damn Pandemic, or perhaps I was just tired of living a lie. But truth be told, I never had a passion for fitness. And when I was younger, I could have cared less about helping others. I was selfish and to be honest, I only cared about helping myself.

I made a lot of mistakes in my past that cost me meaningful relationships with friends and family members and not to mention thousands of dollars in legal fees. Personal Training was something that I accidentally stumbled upon and then ended up relying on in order to help keep my life on track and focused on something positive. But I can say with 100% certainly that I never had any ambition to work in the fitness industry. Yet here I am twenty years later, and I could not imagine doing anything else with my life.

Why Am I Bringing This Up Now?

As I mentioned above, it’s been 10 years since my good friend Ewan Mackay’s passing. And until today, it’s taken me 10 years to write this Blog. I’m not going to go into too much detail about my own past. Not because I’m embarrassed and not because I’m ashamed, but more because I feel there is no need to at this point. With that said, I was headed down a destructive path in my younger years and one of the few people that was always there for me and actually helped me get back on track with my life was in fact Ewan.

Growing up as teenagers Ewan had always accepted me for who I was and never judged me for the numerous idiotic things that I did, or for the continuous disastrous choices that I made. As we became older he became a positive influencer in my life and always pushed me to a be better person. His kindness and empathy towards others was remarkable and as such, he always had the ability to win over any room that he was in. I believe one of the reasons Ewan left such an impact on so many people was due to how selfless he truly was. He always put others like myself before him and never asked for anything in return.

Ewan was also a firm believer that everyone should be treated equally and rarely if ever spoke negatively about someone behind their back. He taught me how not to take myself so seriously and showed me how important it is to always give back to those that are in need. From these lessons, I learned over the years that helping others is actually not a selfless act at all. In fact, one could argue and say that it’s actually a selfish act because how it makes you feel so good afterwards. And Ewan knew this, which is why I believe he wanted me to learn this as well.

The Lost of a Good Friend or Loved One

As I become older, I’m beginning to become more comfortable expressing my emotions and sharing my feelings. The rough exterior that I once hid behind is being broken down slowly. I no longer think of sadness as a weakness. I no longer discredit thoughts of depression, feelings of anixety and notions of fear. Rather than ignore these issues, I now address them directly and as quickly as they arise.

When it comes to losing a friend and/or a family member, I don’t believe there is a wrong way for a person to grieve. Some people fall into a deep depression and prefer to isolate themselves from others for a period of time. Others like myself, will simply bury themselves in their work in order to try and “manage” their feelings accordingly. How you choose to cope with the loss of a loved one, is completely your decision to make. However I do believe that at one point, when coping with grievance, we will all eventually have to address and acknowledge that we are feeling a bit mentally unstable. And in my opinion, that’s completely understandable and more then okay.

Dealing With Death During COVID-19

As if losing someone close to you wasn’t already difficult enough, but losing them during a Global Pandemic where you aren’t even permitted to host a Funeral or Celebration of Life in their honour with more than 5-6 people in attendance? Well that’s simply devastating.

If you’re going through a rough time right now due to the recent loss of a close friend or loved one, I have no advice to offer you on to cope or grieve with the sadness in which you are feeling. I can however tell you that what has always worked for me is choosing to celebrate the lives of those that are no longer with us, rather than mourn their passing.

As today marks exactly 10 years since Ewan’s passing, I continue to focus primarily on all the good times we shared, practice and put forth the lessons in which he taught me, and appreciate the fact that he came into my life.

“Remember that people are only guests in your story –
the same way you are only a guest in theirs –
so make the chapters worth reading.”
Lauren Klarfeld

Dedicated To The Memory of Ewan Mackay

Yours in Good Health,

Nick Cosgrove
Forever Fit Performance