The holidays are here which means Christmas is on it’s way,
Unfortunately now it’s considered to be offensive to talk about that fat guy in the red suit, riding in that one horse open-sleigh.
It’s become a Holiday Tradition for me to release my wrath of words in my annual Holiday Rant,
Yet this year feels different, as I feel restricted, censored and restrained, and therefore, think that I can’t.
So what’s left for me to write about if I can’t say what I want and do as I say?
Perhaps, I should call it quits and come to terms that today just isn’t my day.
I don’t know what to do, I feel as if I’ve used up all my proverbial tricks,
Oh who am I kidding? This is my Holiday Rant, and it’s Motherf*cking VOLUME SIX!
So sit back and enjoy as I’ve got some stories to tell that will knock off your socks,
And if y’all don’t like what I have to say, then you can make a note and put it in my suggestion box. ;^)
2018 was a fairly productive year for me,
I learned how to coexist peacefully with broccoli and spinach, and it no longer hurts when I pee.
The year started off busy, as most New Years in the gym usually are,
And I’m happy to report that we’ve remained busy throughout the year, without offering a single class of Zumba, CrossFit or Barre.
Unfortunately Intermittent Fasting, If It Fits Your Macros, and the Paleo Diet and are all still alive and well,
Unfortunately there are people in the gym who still refuse to bathe or wear deodorant and therefore continue to emit a nasty ass smell.
Sadly I cannot follow these fad diets, as most of them just give me the runs,
Sadly I now have to train next to men who are sporting man buns.
I really wish some people would stop listing to these self proclaimed gurus who really just have shit-for-brains,
I really wish some women would stop taking photos of their asses in the gym and stop hashtagging the word “Booty Gains”.
I’m happy to say that it no longer upsets me that people still listen to Drake,
I just don’t understand how they can respect someone who is phony and fake.
Clients ask me from time to time if I write my own blogs and edit my own posts,
Ofcourse I do, unlike most of these Online Fitness Professionals, I don’t believe in using ghosts.
Fortunately for me, most of my clients in the gym will do what I ask,
Even if this means performing a draining, painful and sometimes even demeaning task.
I’ve always preached the importance to keep moving forward and to keep your foot on the gas,
I’ve always been good at my job because I know how to be a pain in the ass.
My main goal has always been to help people get fit and stay healthy,
And I’ve been able to help people do this for the past fifteen years without taking one selfie.
I promised to be nice to CrossFit this year and not to ridicule it or put it to shame,
I also promised not to say “I told you so” when people would get injured doing it and were looking for something to blame.
No, I still don’t do upside down push-ups and I don’t teach chin-ups while swinging from a bar,
And yes, I’m still on Instagram but have yet to take any ass selfies, and therefore have no desire to become an Instagram star.
I think that 2019 will be a good year, even with my clients complaints about my difficult workouts on the rise,
I also think that I will keep getting clients to do what I want in the gym, alas coming to another successful compromise.
Most people who don’t know me think that I’m some meathead who’s not that witty or bright,
But most people don’t realize that I write every single one of my blogs in less then one night.
Remember to keep in mind that my rants are meant to be fun,
And it’s never been my intention to upset or hurt anyone.
If your New Years Resolution is to get muscular and lean,
Then we recommend that you join us in Two Thousand Nineteen.
So Happy Holidays to All and I Wish You All the Best in the New Year,
And don’t forget to give us a call if you want to bring down your weight, add on some muscle and need that kick in the rear!
Yours in Good Health,
Nick Cosgrove
Forever Fit Performance